I've been back from Bali a week, Reader🌴

What a deeply spiritual place it is, with so much to teach us.

A bunch of you probably didn't know I went, and it's a bit of a long story as to how it happened.

It was last minute. A very dear friend of mine reached out.

She couldn't go because of an emergency, and asked me if I'd like to attend the retreat she was booked into in Ubud, held by the meditation teacher on Insight Timer that we both follow and listen to.

My first inner response was, 'no way, that's impossible to make happen.'

I hadn't travelled internationally since my first cancer cancer diagnosis 10 years ago, and especially since breaking my hip three years ago. Hubby and I have been waiting, loosely talking about making plans to visit places where Australia has a reciprocal medical agreement.

So thinking about Bali, and travel insurance, and time off work, and going alone create a LOT of noise in my own mind.

But there was also a niggle in my belly. Somehow, and in some way I knew it would happen.

And it did, in the fear of all the things.

Time off work (without pay😵‍💫), check.

Flights (double the price😵‍💫), check.

Travel insurance (triple the price😵‍💫) but full comprehensive cover for pre-existing medical conditions, check.

Assignments due (need to take my laptop😵‍💫), oh well 'n all that!

So I went. For 9 days.

Nine, uncomfortable, difficult, painful, and wonderful days, with 10 other strangers, in a stunning resort in the lush jungle side in Ubud.

And while I was doing that, I left a deeply distressing circumstance with a family member💔 The timing wasn't great for so many reasons.

And I learned a couple of poignant things about myself while doing the work. Big work.

The first being, I say no to myself all the time, for fear I don't have the capacity. Energetically, and physically.

Not because I think I don't deserve it, but because I give so much to others, there's not much left between work, running a sole business, study, family and the reality of cancer fatigue and physical limitations.

No, has been a go to for so long. I remember my eldest son saying to me 20 years ago, "You just say no for the sake of saying no!"

That conversation came back to me in Bali, and I'm just being with it right now.

The other major illumination for me was in the midst of a break down at 1.00am the night before the reatreat was ending.

This came after visiting the water temple that day. I set an intention Before we left to 'release what has been building but I can't yet name.'

Do you know those times, Reader?

Something builds inside. You can feel your energy building, but don't know why. It's unsettling.

While lining up to enter the water I remembered a moment back to when I was 16 and it was six months after mum died. I didn't speak much for several days.

Then one day, out of nowhere, in Lyndal's car, I burst into tears, as my heart cracked open. I cried for hours.

This moment in Bali felt the same. I know something was coming, and I didn't know when.

Again, I just sat with it. No judgement.

And that night, when I couldn't sleep, I looked up at the ceiling, flung my arms wide open, and felt my throat tighten as I yelled out, "Why am I here, what is it you want me to know?"

And then it hit.

Massive grief.

For myself. For my husband. And for our children.

For our dreams we've had to let go of, because of cancer.

As much as I get on with life and do pretty much whatever I want when I want, there is so much I physically and logistically just can't do anymore.

I then cried for 12 hours.

I turned up the final morning for our yoga practice, sobbing.

And you know what they others did?

They held me.

They smiled at me with love.

And they nodded at me, in a moment of compassion and understanding.

When my tears finally stopped flowing, I felt free. Not fully understanding. But free.

Of my own pain that I'd become too busy to allow it to be seen and felt.

That final day my connections with my new friends were deepened. There was a shared between the members of the retreat that will forever remain sacred in our shared experience.

Vulnerability was embraced.

Strength was acknowledged.

Remembering who each of us is, was celebrated.

I'm home now. It was both hard and humbling to come home.

And I feel unsettled. I am integrating. It doesn't always feel like rainbows and butterflies when in the midst of evolving.

I came home to another assignment due. I came home to hard news to digest about our family member.

And I came home to uncertainty, and honouring myself where I am.

I feel blessed, and grateful, and am at peace with not needing to figure out what it all means. I will know when I need to know.

I also came home feeling spiritually grounded. Reconnected to my practices, and motivated for deeper work for myself, and my clients.

I'm opening up more sessions, for reiki, counselling, and EFT. Online, and in person.

I'll be in the clinic locally on Wednesday 3rd June, Tuesday 8th June, and Saturday 13th June. If you'd like to connect, please reply and we'll connect.

Until then, I have a question for you..

What are you not allowing time for, just for yourself?

Maybe it's time. In fact, it is time. It's a powerful time. Right now.

Love, Ali x

PS; If you have medical conditions and want to know about the travel insurance, reply and I'll let you know. They are Australian, and fabulous to deal with.