I've asked this myself so many times over the years of being on this earth, and being a mum, Reader.

It brings up the old debate nature vs nurture.

The answer is both.

Our genetics give us our starting point. They influence things like our physical characteristics, some personality traits, natural abilities, and even certain predispositions. But genetics are only part of the story.

The other part is life itself.

Every one of us develops within an environment that is constantly changing.

🙎🏻‍♀️Our parents are changing.
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Their relationship changes.
🤑Their financial circumstances change.
😧Their stress levels change.
😓Their confidence changes.
🧑‍🤝‍🧑Their support systems change.

The technical terms used for these circumstances in therapy are the mesosystem, exosystem, and the macrosystem. It's Broffenbrenner's evidence based systems theory I refer to in a session when unpacking family dynamics to help you understand yourself.

And while all of that is happening... we're changing too.

Take an eldest child, for example.

Their parents might be navigating their first mortgage, learning how to be parents, worrying about money, and trying to figure out life as they go.

Five years later, when the second child arrives, life looks completely different. There may be another child at school, career pressures, ageing parents, rising bills, relationship challenges, different friendships, and a whole new set of experiences shaping the family.

The children may share the same parents.. but they never share the exact same childhood.

Then add everything else that shapes us:

➡️the friendships we have
➡️the schools we attend
➡️our culture
➡️our work
➡️difficult life experiences
➡️the people who encourage us
➡️and the people who hurt us.

No wonder siblings can grow into such different adults.

Understanding this isn't about blaming our parents.

Most parents are simply doing the best they can with what life is asking of them at that moment.

It's about understanding.

Because when we begin to understand the experiences that shaped us, we stop asking..

"What's wrong with me?"

...and we start asking,

"What happened that taught me to think, feel and respond this way?"

That one shift changes everything.

It's the beginning of compassion.

It's the beginning of healing.

And it's often the first time people realise they were never broken to begin with.

How do you feel reading all of that, Reader? Does it give you some insights?

If you've been noticing patterns in yourself that you'd benefit from understanding more deeply.. the overthinking, people pleasing, emotional reactions, perfectionism or constant feeling that you have to hold everything together, I'd love to help you connect the dots.

(It helped me release resentment when I connected my own dots.)

Sometimes one conversation is all it takes to see your life through a completely different lens.

I've got one appointment available this Saturday at 9am (ACST) either in person or online. You can easily reply to lock it in.

Let's connect your dots.

Love,

Ali x